Cancer Can Bring out just the Wrong Words

Carrie Morse, left, and restaurant owner Reem Azoury share a few laughs at Figs Fine Foods in Washington, D.C. Morse is a cancer survivor who ate regularly at Figs while in treatment at a local hospital.

Another article in USA TODAY in February that I enjoyed reading was, Cancer can bring out just the wrong words. Many don’t know what to when a friend is diagnosed. Below is the article that has a great story and some good thoughts. It is:

Like many people with cancer, Bethany Winsor found that some of her friends struggled with what to say after she was diagnosed. When one person looked at her with pity, the usually upbeat Winsor burst into tears. Yet she says a stranger on a plane somehow found the perfect words of comfort.

Winsor, 28, met the woman last year, when they were seated next to each other on their outgoing and return flights between Dallas and Washington. Winsor, who had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, felt at ease with the young woman, who was about her age, and mentioned that she was about to start chemotherapy.

Later in the flight, when Winsor was leaving the restroom, she found that the stranger was waiting for her at the back of the plane. "She said she felt there was a reason we had been seated next to each other," Winsor says. "Although she didn't know the details of what I was going through, she asked me if she could pray with me. I am not particularly religious, but I am spiritual, and at that point, I was in need of a little faith."

As the stranger held her hands, Winsor "felt a connectedness that I really needed. Even though I didn't know this girl, I will never forget her willingness to reach out to me." Though few among us can summon that sort of eloquence, the stranger's words provide a good example of how to support someone with cancer, says Julia Rowland, head of the National Cancer Institute's survivorship office.

Although the stranger showed compassion, she didn't force herself onto Winsor, Rowland says. And though religion can be a tricky subject, Rowland says the stranger on the plane struck just the right balance. The woman offered open-ended prayers but didn't presume to speak for God.

Words that don't help

The stranger didn't presume to know what was best, offer unsolicited advice or launch into religious sermons, he says. Many people with cancer say they get tired of being told what to do, even if that advice seems as bland as "You need to stay positive. "What many cancer survivors say is most meaningful is to be heard — truly listened to — and understood, not being told what to do or how to cope," Rowland says. "Many of us are inclined to leap in with advice, opinions or chatter if only to relieve our own anxiety in the face of another's suffering."

Carrie Morse, a survivor of rectal cancer, says she can't count the number of people
who told her, "God gave you cancer for a reason." Such clichés can make people feel worse, she says.

"Every person who has cancer goes through these moments where, whatever kind of God you believe in, you're pretty (ticked) off," says Morse, 36, from Washington, D.C. "You don't want to hear people saying, 'God has a plan for you.'"

Importantly, the stranger on Winsor's plane asked her permission before proceeding, allowing her to stay in control of the conversation. One of the most terrifying parts of cancer is that it often robs people of control — over their bodies, their schedules, their plans for the future, says Ellen Stovall, who leads the National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship.

Handle with care

Too often, well-meaning friends and neighbors issue orders, telling people with cancer to take this herb or see that doctor, Stovall says,

Even Winsor, who was diagnosed last year, says she tries to "walk slowly" when talking to other people with cancer and take her cues from their attitude and words, which may change from day to day.

If a person with cancer doesn't want to share, it's important to back off, Rowland says: "Be respectful." The stranger on the plane also focused on the present instead of guessing about Winsor's prognosis or offering unfounded optimism. Winsor, who had an early tumor, completed chemo in October, radiation in January and is now taking a drug called Herceptin to keep cancer from returning.

"If you say, 'Everything is going to be OK,' that's trivializing it," says psychiatrist Jimmie Holland, author of The Human Side of Cancer. "But it's also not good to say, 'Oh, my mother had that and she died in three weeks.' " Stovall says people can still share their experiences if they tread lightly.

"You can say, 'I'm sure a lot of people are offering what was helpful to them,' " Stovall says. " 'Do you even want to hear about any of those things?' "Instead of advice, one of the best things to offer is just to listen, Stovall says.

"I can remember somebody saying: 'I'm a really good listener. I offer that because it's something I can do,' " Stovall says. "Even though I may never avail myself of their offer, it can be nice to know that someone cared enough to offer."

Then in a box entitled Actions that Speak Louder than Words, here are a few excerpts from it.

• Show empathy. The National Cancer Institute's Julia Rowland suggests, "I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with cancer," or, if appropriate, "I'm sorry the cancer has returned."

• Don't forget them. People with cancer often are cut off from friends while in the hospital or recuperating at home. A call, card or even an instant message help them feel remembered, especially on special days like birthdays….

• Offer specific help. "Let me know if I can help" is so vague that the person with cancer is unlikely to ever take up your offer, Rowland says. Instead, ask if you can do something specific: drive your friend to appointments, babysit the kids, mow the lawn, shovel the walk, clean the house, call doctors or make appointments, update a website with your friend's health news, cook a meal on a particular day or organize friends to bring a different meal each day of the week.

• Talk about something other than cancer. Many people get tired of talking about chemotherapy or blood counts. Talk about the same subjects that always interested you, from sports to current events, says Jimmie Holland, author of The Human Side of Cancer.

• Make them feel they're still one of the gang. Boyle's co-workers knew his sense of humor well enough to use humor when welcoming him back to work after chemotherapy last summer. Knowing that he would be wearing a bandanna to cover his bald head, everyone else in his office also showed up wearing one. "It was nice to know I wasn't being treated any different than before," Boyle says.

• Celebrate survival. "Everybody's first instinct was, 'Oh my gosh, I'm sorry,'" says Dan Waeger, 26, of Washington. "But when I told a stranger in a cab that I was a three-year lung cancer survivor, the reaction was, 'That's awesome. Congratulations.' That's the best reaction I've gotten."

In conclusion, let me say, “I have often thought, ‘How do people cope with this without God?’ And I am also thinking, ‘How do people cope with this without a church and without Christian friends all over the place that we know?’ I thank God for my church and my Christian friends especially because just like the story above, there are always people offering to pray for me and with me. Even on the phone, I have had people pray for me like my pastor—whose that? My son Scott! And Dr. David Nicholas, the president of Shasta Bible College and Graduate School and Dr. David Jeremiah, pastor and author in Southern California. And as you have seen in my blog, people email me their prayers, many of which I have yet to post.

And a couple more things. Just as I was wrapping this up, my wife brought in the mail. In an envelope with hearts was a poster that said, "Dear Rev. Miller. We life up our hands in prayer for you. In Christ, The Children of David Fellowship, Grace Chinese Alliance Church. This is a church that I have spoken at about once a month for the past three years or so. And on the poster are outlines of hands with their names written on the hand that each of them drew! Isn't this great? Also, later in the day, our Tonga church pastor and two of their leaders, Bill and Ana came over to pray with me.

And just this morning I received an email from Mary Smith, a person I have known since the second grade entitled, "NOT your Theology 101" and she wrote this: "I dreamed about our "new/old" WBBC group last night. It was so real! We were all together (don't worry; you were there, too!)

Now, I guess I'm stretching things a bit, and I didn't major in Theology, so bear with me...

I just finished reading/studying the book of Hebrews and that great 11th chapter took on new meaning (remember, it's a dream we're talking about)...

We, your Corban friends, are WITNESSES to your faith as you endure a journey you never planned to take. We are LIVING WITNESSES to the impact you've had--and are having--on many, many lives, including ours (mine, for sure).

We're cheering for you; we're praying for your speedy recovery, and I, for one, can't wait to see what God is going to do next in your life.

You are surrounded by love, prayers, friends, family......and modern day WITNESSES. Love, Mary. And just one more comment by Jo Sherman, a former student of mine and a trustee at Corban. She writes,

Hi David and Koyce, I love your blog, it keeps me posted as to what is going on! Thanks so much. It is so great that in life it is really the little things that bring such joy! Your sons and their love of baseball (yours too) is such a case. How wonderful to have that total love for a game and you all share it….I think of you often and pray for you and Koyce. After reading the blogs, I think your friends say it all---you two definitely are such an encouragement to me, Jack and I love you both so much and pray God will continue to give the doctors wisdom and grant you that peace in your hearts that only He can give.Love to you both, Jo (Sherman)

Yes, cancer can bring out just the wrong words but offering to pray is just what the doctor ordered, that is, The Great Physician! See James 5:16b.